


Filosofizing

by ghoulette13



Series: Boys' Night Universe [3]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Childhood Trauma, Gender Confusion, Gender Identity, Happy Ending, Past Sexual Abuse, Rape, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-30
Updated: 2019-03-30
Packaged: 2019-12-26 18:13:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18287609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghoulette13/pseuds/ghoulette13
Summary: Mac and Charlie get high. Charlie talks about his Uncle Jack and his #1 coping mechanism. At this point in his life, he's mostly healed the trauma. They also talk about their bodies and gender. (This story is a very open discussion about childhood rape and its effects, including suicidal thoughts--with a positive ending. It's also about green ghouls in spaceships.) ((This  is part of a series, but works as a stand-alone piece))----------Mac: Dude, I never said it was okay. I’m just saying that dude went through some shit. Like, dude. He knew what huffing glue did. If he was having a good life, he would not be huffing glue. And he would definitely not be telling kids to huff glue.Charlie: But it sounds like you’re just making excuses for him.Mac: I’m not, dude. I’m not blaming you or saying it was okay what he did. What he did to you was terrible and you didn’t deserve it. I’m just explaining why. Like, not bad or good, just in the middle.





	Filosofizing

**Author's Note:**

> AN AU WHERE…. Charlie never bangs the waitress and he heals his childhood trauma.
> 
> This takes place after Dennis moves to North Dakota.
> 
> ((FYI:: I'm a CSA Survivor))

**Mac & Charlie Get High**

**Charlie:** So like, now that I’ve been doing so well and not huffing anything like, all my memories are starting to come back, dude.

 **Mac:** Yeah, man, you’ve been saying that. Like what?

 **Charlie:** Like with my Uncle Jack.

 **Mac:** Oh shit, dude.

 **Charlie:** Yeah. Like I’m so angry all the time because of that asshole. You know, I couldn’t even read because of him.

 **Mac:** Wait, what? Seriously?

 **Charlie:** Yeah, I was thinking about it and when he was living with us he would read me bedtime stories and the book would be there and like, he’d be pointing at the words on the page with one hand and then touching me with the other one.

 **Mac:** Oh shit, dude.

 **Charlie:** Yeah, it was so fucked up and like I didn’t know what to do. There were sirens going off in my head like ALL THE TIME, but I didn’t know how to tell my mom or if my mom knew or what. Like I didn’t have the words for it. Anytime I had to read it made me think of my Uncle Jack. And I’m a kid, so I’m in school and that’s all they want us to do is read. So I thought that maybe if I don’t tell anyone and start blocking it out, it’ll be like it never happened. But what really happened was that I stopped knowing _why_ the sirens in my head were going off. ‘Cause they were still there every time I had to read.

 **Mac:** Shit.

 **Charlie:** Yeah, and then one Christmas when my mom had her Santas over, I was like, freaking out because one of the guys gave me a book and I was scared he was going to make me read it with him and then later another guy came in and he saw me freaking out, I guess, and he was like "What’s wrong, lil guy?" and I didn’t know what to say so I just rubbed my crotch and patted on the book. And that look he gave me! That fucking look was so confusing like his eyes were all big and he just stopped talking. And like, I think he freaked out, too, because he didn’t know what to do. He just wanted to bang my mom already and so he gave me that glue and told me to smell it.

 **Mac:** That’s so fucked up, dude.

 **Charlie:** Yeah, I know, man. And it’s like… I don’t blame the guy, either. No one knows what to do when that happens. Like what do you do? This guy comes over and just wants to bang my mom and he sees this kid on the couch who’s rubbing his crotch and like trying to get the words out--

 **Mac:** Dude, I think he knew. I think that’s why he gave you the glue. Like, he knew you needed to bury that shit for a little while.

 **Charlie:** Oh shit, dude, for real?

 **Mac:** Well, like, think about it. He coulda just ignored you. Like, he knew what huffing glue did. He was an adult! He gave it to you because he knew it would help you deal with whatever you were dealing with.

 **Charlie:** That’s so fucked up, though!

 **Mac:** Yeah, it is! But like, I’m sure that dude went through some shit, too.

 **Charlie:** That doesn’t make it okay! I was a kid!

 **Mac:** Dude, I never said it was okay. I’m just saying that dude went through some shit. Like, dude. He _knew_ what huffing glue did. If he was having a good life, he would not be huffing glue. And he would definitely not be telling kids to huff glue.

 **Charlie:** But it sounds like you’re just making excuses for him.

 **Mac:** I’m not, dude. I’m not blaming you or saying it was okay what he did. What he did to you was terrible and you didn’t deserve it. I’m just explaining why. Like, not bad or good, just in the middle.

 **Charlie:** I guess so. I mean, I don’t want to give him any credit, but like, huffing glue saved my life sometimes. Sometimes that siren in my head got so loud, I just wanted to kill myself. I just wanted to end it and start all over because it was just too much. And the glue just let all that stuff pass. But then I just started using it all the time, every day, just couldn’t sit still without it.

 **Mac:** You’re having some good weeks now, though, right?

 **Charlie:** Dude, I’m having the best time of my life. It’s just that I used to really want to kill myself  Like, I didn’t think I was going to make it to my 30s.

 **Mac:** Seriously?

 **Charlie:** Yeah, dude. I just remember watching TV and watching news reports on kids who had been molested and like, they would show a picture of the kid and everybody’d be talking about it and I thought, Oh shit! If I tell someone about my Uncle Jack, they’re going to put me on TV and tell everyone what he did to me everyone would know that I was going to hell because I had sex before marriage.

 **Mac:** Wait, what? You wouldn’t go to hell for having sex, ‘cause it wasn’t really sex. He raped you.

 **Charlie:** When you’re a little kid, you don’t know the difference! No one told me there was a difference! And so I thought I was going to burn in hell. And my life had _just_ started! I was _so_ angry! I was never going to have a chance to go to heaven so I might as well kill myself and get it over with. And then on the news they’d like, throw out that statistic of how many pedophiles were abused as kids. It was like they were telling me I was going to be a pedophile!

 **Mac:** You didn’t really think you were going to be a pedophile, did you?

 **Charlie:** Yeah, dude! I was so scared! I felt doomed and my life had just started!

 **Mac:** I’m sorry, man.

 **Charlie:** Thanks, dude. But like… I’m not there anymore. That scared little kid isn’t me, you know? Like, I’m in charge now and I get to say what goes and now I know what to say if someone tries to do that again.

 **Mac:** It’s like _learning_ , man.

 **Charlie:** Yeah, _learning_. And I’m learning all this shit in the wrong order, too. There’s all this stuff I was supposed to learn as a kid and it was just too much work. Like, showering? That shit’s so hard man. I have to touch my own body? That shit used to be so hard when I was little. And like, brushing my teeth? Jesus Christ! I was already dealing with enough with my Uncle Jack and then now i have to brush my teeth, too? Every day? TWICE A DAY? Bullshit! I didn’t wanna look at my body. I just wanted to go live my life.

 **Mac:** I hear ya, bud.

 **Charlie:** Like, I feel like a little green ghoul in a - a - a fucking spaceship or something but the spaceship is my body and like, I didn’t ask for this spaceship. If I knew it was going to be _this_ hard to take care of this spaceship, I would’ve fucking gotten a different one!

 **Mac:** But you can’t, man.

 **Charlie:** I know! It’s bullshit! Like, let me just be a little green ghoul. Fuck this other shit.

 **Mac:** But like, if you were just a little green ghoul you wouldn’t be you. You wouldn’t be Charlie. You’d be like… not in this dimension or something. It’d be like… okay, so imagine the world is just a video game, the only way to play it is to get in the spaceship. You gotta get in the spaceship.

 **Charlie:** But the spaceship sucks!

 **Mac:** Hell yeah it does, but guess what? So does everybody else’s. It’s not like you’re the only one in a spaceship. Everybody else has one, too. And they all suck in one way or another, but you gotta make peace with it.

 **Charlie:** Yeah, it’s just hard.

 **Mac:** But that’s just one little part of the whole video game, you know? It’s just like… one level. And sometimes it’s the level people skip or like… don’t want to deal with, but it’s still there. And it’s your spaceship, so it’s how you interact the rest of the world so you have to deal with it’s problems or just not play the game at all and like kill yourself.

 **Charlie:** That’s so much pressure!

 **Mac:** I know, but like you don’t have to deal with everything all at once! Just like, get gas when you’re supposed to and clean it up so it doesn’t get sick or whatever. But like, you have so much more fun in the game every time you _do_ fix something.

 **Charlie:** But like, what if I can’t afford to fix it? Like I’m thinking back to everything and I know my mom didn’t know about Uncle Jack, but what if she _had_ found out? She couldn’t afford a therapist! She couldn’t afford shit that’s why I always wore that bubble suit, man! I was a ghoul in a spaceship in a bubblesuit!

 **Mac:** If you can’t fix it or can’t afford to fix it, then just skip it! Like that’s what that glue was doing. You were just like… skipping over the broken part because you didn’t know how to fix it but you’re still playing the game. And there’s tons of other stuff in the game that’s awesome, too! Like you meet me and Dennis’ spaceship and we go on adventures and shit. You’ve still got that one broken part on your spaceship, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to have fun!

 **Charlie:** Yeah, man. You’re right. I gotta have fun.

 **Mac:** Hell yeah man. Fun is like… so great.

 **Charlie:** I used to have so much fun getting high.

 **Mac:** Well, we’re high right now, dude.

 **Charlie:** Oh yeah…. But I mean when I was on glue and shit. Like, everything was just blurry. But like a _fun_ blurry. Because the world wasn’t real anymore and I just got to see what was going on in my head. Like, I got to dream up whatever I wanted to and I didn’t have to feel my body to do it. But it got so old, you know. Like my spaceship hurt all the time. And this weed is like… the opposite. All I feel is my spaceship and like… I feel okay about it. I’m not so scared anymore. I could beat up my Uncle Jack’s spaceship if I wanted.

 **Mac:** Hell yeah, man! Do you want to?

 **Charlie:** I don’t know. I mean, part of me definitely wants to beat in his stupid fucking face, but the other part of me just doesn’t wanna do that. What I really want is for him to just stop. I just want him to never do to anyone else what he did to me.

 **Mac:** Damn.

 **Charlie:** And like, I wanna know. I wanna know that he’s going to change.

 **Mac:** You wanna call the cops?

 **Charlie:** What? No. Jail’s not going to make him stop.

 **Mac:** But he’ll like… be raped and shit by other guys in prison.

 **Charlie:** That doesn’t help, dude! More rape doesn’t just get rid of rape! It’s just more rape!

 **Mac:** But he’ll stop if he gets raped and sees how it feels.

 **Charlie:** But then he still got raped! That’s still more rape! I don’t want him to feel rape! I want him to feel better! Like, I want him to fix whatever fucked him up so much that he thought it would be okay to rape me. That’s what I want.

 **Mac:** Jeez, man. But like… how do you do that?

 **Charlie:** I dunno, man. Maybe I could tell my mom, but like, I don’t want her to feel guilty or anything. I don’t want to put that on her. It’s too much shit. Like, she’s already turning the lights off and on in threes and shit. I don’t wanna add to that.

 **Mac:** We could still like… beat him up. Maybe we don’t kill him?

 **Charlie:** I dunno, man. I guess I’ll think about it, but I just don’t know if that’s what I really want.

 **Mac:** Well, you tell me when and I’ll fucking karate kick his ass.

 **Charlie:** Thanks, man. Sorry, this is some heavy shit.

 **Mac:** Don’t even worry about it, man. You’re like… the strongest person I know.

 **Charlie:** What? How?

 **Mac:** Dude, you just told me about being raped and wanting to kill yourself and you’re still alive! That shit is so heavy and you’ve just been carrying it around your whole life. You’re like… a fucking weightlifter of emotions, man.

 **Charlie:** Yeah, man. I’m a fucking heavyweight champ.

 **Mac:** Hell yeah!

**They high-five and take two more bong rips each.**

**Mac:** I mean maybe we _are_ all just green ghouls in spaceships, but some of those man spaceships are really nice looking. And like, it’s not just the spaceships, it’s the ghouls inside, too, that make me happy. Like, YES, your spaceship is so hot. And even better when they’re like, “oh shit, your  spaceship’s hot, too.” But like, am I attracted to the ghoul inside or is it just the spaceship? Or is it only a specific combination of the two? … I think for me it’s only certain types of ghouls inside certain types of spaceships will turn me on. And it just happens to be the same type of spaceship that I’m in.

 **Charlie:** For me, I think all types of spaceships are amazing. And like, I’m all about the ghoul inside and seein’ what’s going on there.

 **Mac:** Well, yeah, the ghoul for sure, dude. It’s like… all about the ghoul inside. I just think the men ghoul/spaceship combo is the best.

 **Charlie:** But like, what even makes them men?

 **Mac:** Dude, they’re like… masculine and hot and they just like… get it. Like, they get what it’s like to be a man.

 **Charlie:** But why do all those things make them men?

 **Mac:** What do you mean? Are you trying to ask me how words work? Dude, we are not having that conversation again.

 **Charlie:** I just like don’t get it, ‘sall. Like, why do I have to choose a side? And not even choose a side, but like… everyone else chose the side for me! I was born and then they’re like “You are a boy. Boys do _this_ , boys do _that_.” and I’m like, “Why? Why do I have to be a certain way just because I was given this spaceship that everyone claims is a boy?" This, here, is not a boy spaceship! This is just a regular spaceship!

 **Mac:** Well, what makes it feel regular instead of being a boy?

 **Charlie:** I don’t know, it’s like… I’m okay with some of the stuff they tell me boys are supposed to do, but there’s also a lot I don’t like. And like, if I zoom all the way in to my little green ghoul soul, I don’t feel like a boy or a girl. I just feel like a ghoul. Like a ghoul in a spaceship. Journeying through the universe on planet earth.

**They nod silently.**

**Charlie:** I still don’t feel like dealing with my own spaceship sometimes, though.

 **Mac:** Hey man, you’re already doing it and you don’t even realize it. You haven’t huffed glue in so long and like, you even showered and brushed your teeth this morning!

 **Charlie:** Yeah, I guess you’re right. It’s just like… easier with you around. Like everything is just so easy.

 **Mac:** Aww, thanks, man.

 **Charlie:** Like I just told you the scariest shit in my life and like… now you know it and you’re not like judging me or making me feel sad or bad or whatever.

 **Mac:** Dude, you’ve been sad for like… ever, man. Don’t feel bad about it anymore.

 **Charlie:** I kinda don’t man. It’s just like… in the past. Like I’m not that person anymore, I’m someone new. I get to be in charge of my life and my own shit.

 **Mac:** Dude, you kick ass.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments keep me going! Even if it's just one word!
> 
> \---hit me up if I'm missing any pertinent tags, please. :)


End file.
